The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Keeping an Eye on the Gramophone "Ring" Members, , Perverts (Keith Harding , Len Watts , Chris Hamilton) , Foot fetishists, Bankrupt EMG Graverobbers, Cancer sufferer Killers & Spivs. Suicide risk, Adulterer, Girl Buggering TMF Admins, Gay Club visitors, Crapophone Makers & Vendors, Multi - Name Ebay Vendors, Bogus Legal Complainants, Roger Thorne Estate Looters, Matrix Number Bores, Convicted Drug Dealers & Cannabis Growers & users of the "Learned Society" AKA "Christopher Proudfoot's Magical gramophone Music Tour &
"Those boring Old Men with their Wind Up machines " AKA in the Gay World "The Wrinkle room"
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The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:07 pm

Yis, yis, yis, another GREAT day in the life of the Greatest, The Cleverest and the best dealer in the Whole of the Gramophone world as all agree (if i intimidate them enough ) Bleuerrrrrr yis, yis, yis, another world shattering meeting of the Society to - night a Society which, without me would be just a bunch of moribund , backstreet matrix number collectors !!!!!!!! Yis Yis Yis

Whilst with me it's worldwide, yis yis yis, our gorgeous magazine reaches 4 incontinents !!!!!! and today i had the first test pressings of our new CD to be included in the next "newts" magazine with a fFREE Incontinece Pad ! yis, yis, yis, that'll increase the membership - a CD of a world first Yis, yis, yis, the first recording of our CLPGS Membership Snoring Choir recorded LIVE at CLPGS Events :

"Snores for the Memory "

Track listing (Based on the "White Album by "the Beatles) "

1 "Back in the Bertrand Russell Room "

2 "Dear Prudence, could i have more Cocoa Love"

3 (It's a )""Glass Eye"

4 "Ob la Di, Ob la Da" (I must get me dentures fixed )

5 "Wild Honey Pie" (with Chips)

6 "The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill" (He's got a zimmer frame yer know)


7 "While My Grannysha**er Gently Weeps"


8 "Rocky Raccoon on Dave's Head"

9 "Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Uncle Monkey"


and ,my personal favourite :

10 "Happiness Is a Warm BuM" "


I was forced to put off listening to that world first by the Telephone ringing, :

"Yis, yis, yis, Leading Dealer 45 years of experience of Talking Machines yis, yis, yis, "

Old Bloke : "Oooo, Ello, Leadin' Dealer ?"

Yis, Yis, Yis, I've just told you that - can't you tell i'm busy ? i have to supply an HMV 103 to the President of the Gold Coast who will be ringing at 3am Yis Yis, Yis, That's How Importanbt i am !!!!!!

Old Bloke : "Oh, yuss, i knows how himportant you is mate, i've got a big 'Orn gram for sale and wanted to know if you wanted it like ?

Yis, Yis, Yis, Bleueurrrrrrr, Is it "expert" or "EMG" ?
Old Bloke : "I'll just go and 'ave a ;look " (Steps echo..................)

"Come on, Come on, I haven't got all day I have to be at my Dommes later for a "Backwind" Session with Nike 251's "

Old Bloke : "Yuss it's a big un and it as 3 letters .E..........M.............G

"Yis, Yis, Yis, I'll give a good price if it's in good condition , i bought the"west Wittering" music Society's one for £100 !

Old Bloke" "Ooo, That's a lof of cash that is, my 'owse only cost £35 - 10 /- (Like most CLPGS members - ED)

Yis, Yis, Yis, What's your address ? Come on, Come on, !!!!!!!!!!!

Old Bloke : It's (CLICK)

Hello, Hello, Wwe've been cut off Bleueeuuurrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!

I had to slam th e'phone down but then it rang again !!!!!

Yis, Yis, Yis, Leading Dealer 45 years of experience of Talking Machines yis, yis, yis, "

Another bloke : "Oh yes, MIster "leading Dealer" ?
#

"Well, What did you think i said !!!!!!

Another Bloke : "Oh i wonder if you can help me ?...............

Probably Not Yis, Yis, Yis, Are you in ther Society ? have you been "initiated "?

Another Bloke : "Well, I'm due to be at the next meeting - they said not to wear a Belt...........I need an HMV no 5 soundbox ?

F**K Off (Slams 'phone down ) (Anecdote Copyright to Soundgen Unenterprising Ltd)

I then proceeded to the Meeting at the Betrand Russell (Sic) room for an evening of entertainment by an Industry "insider"
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:08 pm

Dear Diary,

A most interesting evening - the place was PACKED and i mean Packed with chairs............ and with 8 of us present we nearly filled part of the front row with two members in the "cottage" for the first Half - or should that be the "Fist " half !!!! BLUERRRRRRR- only at the "Society" meetings could such rare information be shared !!! Blueurrrrrrrrr who would have thought it !!!!! It was tremendous - experts such as our lecturer really KNOW their stuff !!!!! Yis Yis Yis

For instance as an insider he was able to share classified "insider" information such as :

During World War 2 The EMI Company used only 200,000 paper clips rather than the usual 350,000 thus helping the War effort - our lecturer actually showed us the letter of thanks from Winston Churchill !!!!

"EMI Kept the mops & Brushes in a secret "Bunker" broom cupboard for the duration bringing them out in PRISTINE condition post - War and so they were in use until 1988 !!!!!!! (we were then shown the worn out brooms and regarded them as "Holy Relics" as one old fart said :

"think of the swarf these have brushed up - Adelina Patti's cuttings, Tauber's dust, maybe edison's dandruff !!!!

The Buckets for the mops were kept in a different secret location so if Invaded by the Germans the Hayes factory could deny all knowledge of them !!!!! it wa ssuch a secret location that they weren't found until recently and we were priviledged to be able to handle those buckets during the lecture !!!!!BLEUERRRRRR i thought REF sequence was going to wet himself !!!!! (he did later as did some of the others !!!!!!

One day a "select" Group of Society members will be allowed access to the secret Broom cupboards of the Hayes factory not normally shown on tours of the place !!!!! something to look forward to !!!!!!

during the break we all had tea & bikkies with free Mogodon & incontinence pads for some of those present who were in need whilst I & Domme went of to the "cottage" for a quick vocal session, but it wasn't easy it took nearly 1/2 an hour to "blow the man Down"

later we all went off to the pub, the "Homie's Lallies" where i had a couple of pints of "james' old Financial Peculiar" C 1974 whilst the others had "Andrews' Old Matrix No " no 92 a brew i've not really taken too !

Yes, another convivial "Society" Evening where no one mentioned the "ring" or Censuring me so i didn;t have to use all the "thngs" I have against themto blackmail them as i have been for 40 years , Gay club membership, Being Gay & married, Financial dodgynesses etc ! BLuerrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!

Great - must go

Under Pressure, under Pressure BLEuRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:09 pm

Dear Diary ,

What a social whirl i live in !!!!! I hardly know whether i'm "coming" or "Going" but luckily Dommie tells me which is which !!!!! Under pressure, under pressure !!!!!

I went to an Auction where they, knowing my TV appearances i signed Autographs for nearly an Hour !!!(He actually signed Cheques for all the items he bought with his "Second" Bidding number and hadn't paid for for months - ED)

Yes, Yes, Yes, wherever i go I'm feted by the Great and the Good (Society members ? - ED) it's a joy to be alive, yes i'm certainly Gay to - day

Later i went over to Domme's Gracious Palazzo on the Thames and on a bridge over a secluded stream we played Pooh Sticks for hours

Yes, Domme's a champion "poo - sticker"

Back to the daily grindr all too soon though !!!!!
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

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Gmemg
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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:09 pm

Dear Diary,

Today started off just like any other day - who could have imagined the miracle that would happen later though - i got out the "Black Book " on the Society members & Directors, just to cheer myself up

Yis, yis, Yis, so many have so many secrets that make it easy for me to buy and sell and avoid being chucked out of the society !!!!! I laughed at them all !

The "Suicide risk" Who likes "Buggering Girls" Or so he told me - he regrets that now !!!!!!! no refunds on crap machines for you buster !!!!!!!

"The members who like small boys !!!! in the Society and the BVWS!!!!!!!!

Why some people can't have children !!!!!!! all the Crooked deals done over "society" members collections !!!!!!!!!!!!

I was laughing at all that when the miracle occurred - i looked in at the TMF as i do now the Society runs it and BUGGER ME (as i say so frequently) shirtley SOLD something !!!!!!!! YIS YIS YIS YIS and to the "Stoat" someone rumoured to be such a tight arse his shriner Fez is held on by Vacuum !!!!!!

It's unbelievable - rather like shirtley being "16" he's actually 46 with a Beer Belly, and a long red Beard !!!!!

but it gets him more Freebies than XArmy Capt /XSargbuill, or the rest of the Con men !!!! but it is a FIRST

He even got that crap MK 9 Horn the Convicted Football Hooligan ran over during that burglary !!!!!!! and then was sold to The Millionaire Banker/Hedgefund manager !!! who gave it away !!!!!

I spend 27 hours per day working my ARSE off trying to make a living selling talking machines and he sells a soundbox , it's F****G disgrace , what is the World coming to !!!!!! i have 55 years of specialist knowledge, have had to drive all over the country selling utter crap to morons , pandering to cretins and what does it come to !!!!!

Talking of which I'm at the edge of my seat waiting for the measurements of the Upright horn - it's just like the Old days on the UK Forum where we were all entranced by The Millionaire Hedge Fund manager & that Russian mathematician with little to do who spend Hours doing the calculations !!!!!!

YIS< YIS< YIS< and the funny thing is the inside of an EMG or Expert Horn is as Rough as the Suicide Risks Ex - Wife's Arse and it still makes NO difference to the sound !!!!!! it does make the Yanks think all UK People are dull, boring, obsessive pedants who like i Giant Bungalows and have big teeth and nervous ticks YIS YIS YIS and dismantled Rolls - Royces i the Garden sheds !!!!

Under pressure, Under pressure
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

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Gmemg
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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:10 pm

Dear Diary,

Another GREAT day for the World's Greatest Trader - yis, yis, yis, the greatest day since i started the Phonotrader website BLEURRRRRR

Yis Yis Yis, off to the Cardington workshop of the Crapophone maker/vendor , he showed my the New Monopod model which should fool the Dumb yanks and the old farts in teh UK !!!!!

It's a crapophone with just one leg - i suggested it be called the :

"Padgett-o- phone"

It's backwind as one would expect ..............and apparently we've had advanced orders from the "Gay Club members" dear Sandy wants one and so does Forbes

I was overjoyed as i trolled down to my Brighton Club - the "Pink Tonearm " where i saw an Old friend who used to mop out the local Police station - we used to call him :

"Nick" Wash as that's what he did but it wasn't has name !!!!! he now cleans things bought from Car Boot sale sand so we call him "Booty Buffer" which, after the purchase of a Columbia at such an Event i am somewhat myself !!!! !

I had a relaxing massage and a "Game of Thrones" with some of the other Members of the Club Nick told me of a Style no 2 he had from a Car boot sale - I liked the sound of it but rather than him showing me i had a "Crafty Butcher" at it and wasn't sure if the horn was a Barry Williamson Repro and i've had enough trouble shifteing them in the past so when he offeredit to me (and the machine) I rejected it so he called my a "size Haricot " as i only like "senior Monarchs" ....................

Now it' son my way to stay with "ratty" you never know what will turn up up there and i always buy well !!!

Yis Yis Yis,
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

User avatar
Gmemg
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Joined: Sat Dec 09, 2017 2:39 pm
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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:10 pm

Dear Diary,

Another Great Day in the Great Career of the Greatest Dealer in the World !!!!! Yis Yis Yis BLeuerrrrrrrrr

This day i went to my Publishers : "Andrews, Andrews & Dustbug" of Chancers Lane - i chose them as they have such distinguished offices , a fine old Courtyard outside where I've cottaged many times...............near the Sundial, curiously shaped like the head of the founder of the Firm with his large ears & Long nose as a Gnomen - My my it's 10 past 10 i mused as i passed noticing some "Homeys " for fun on the way out .............

It was here i brought the Manuscript for my Autobiography "How Weird - A Dealer's life" A huge, roller coaster of a autobiography in four hundred sizzling chapters.detailing the hilarious day to day occurrances that occur to a TOP dealer such as myself when dealing with the morons, cretins and Prickfaces who represent my customers - a real laugh at 900 pages , with some hot gypsies thrown in , Customers are stupid enough to think a dealer actually LIKES them or respects them - whilst behind their backs i'm laughing at their terrible taste and moronic lack of intelligence Par se !!!!!!Blueuerrrrrrrrrrr

But now i was ascending the worn old steps trodden by all those with dull matrix number histories and other irrelevant waste of trees !! with my Masterpiece :

"Waffles - the Gentleman Burglar"

Yis a rollicking tale of a Gentleman who likes "burgling" other Gentleman completely unrelated to my own experiences ! his associate "Bonnie " a leather clad Biker chappie was a;lways "to Hand" with "Difficult" cases .................

After leaving my Manuscript with Mr A I went off to celebrate by ripping off a dumb Yank collector !!!!!Yis yis Yis Bleurrrrr
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

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Gmemg
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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:10 pm

Dear Diary, Mr A, my publisher has asked me to work on the Manuscript of :

"Waffles - the Gentleman Burglar"

What's his problem ???? Bleuerrrrrr !

Here's the selection from it :

Waffles and Bonnie have broken into an upmarket flat in North London ...............they enter the window and cross the floor ......

"Waffles, there's someone asleep in bed..........

"Bonnie, we're in luck old fellow, let's have a better look at him,

"OOh, he's NAKED, waffles, That's saved some time !

"Shut up bonnie, i can't get my belt off ................

"Time for some Gentleman "Burglary" eh Waffles !!!!!!!!!!!!

What's wrong with that ? Work on it ? what a cheek !!!!!Yis Yis Yis almost as cheeky as the bloke who asked me what Dealers really thought of their customers - i told him they loved, respected and treasured them (Eugh) ,and respected their opinions !

when really as with all those who work with "the Public" (Trans: "The Great Unwashed" - ED) they HATE them - let me tell you the Public are Petty, Thick, Tasteless, inconsistant, complaining, Small minded, Cretinous and luckily easily lead !!!!!!!!!! but occasionally tehy find something truly astonishing and then it's my job to get it out of them for less than they've paid !!!! or exchange for some Crap i got from the Jones's !!!!!!!

And that's just what i''m off to do
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

User avatar
Gmemg
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Posts: 1452
Joined: Sat Dec 09, 2017 2:39 pm
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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:11 pm

Dear Diary,

Another great day in the Life of the world's Greatest dealer and to - day i sallied forth to Oxford and lunch with my Old Friend "the Colonel" at the Ivy Oxford's Poshest restaurant for Posh persons and TOP Dealers (like me)

The Colonel arrived on Time "politesse du Roi" as he put it, he's so handsome, talented and witty , really an "Noel Wilde" without any Horses being Frightened ! yis i sYis, and with his "harem" we were a party of 10 for lunch - we talked about so many esoteric subjects, mainly how much i hate customers and Collectors and Society members - who are usually beneath contempt but to - day , after the weekend I've had, not beneath enough !!!! Bleuerrrrrrr

The waiters were charming and the meal delightful - unlike the cheapo Aldi white bread & processed Cheese sandwiches i serve him on his regular visitations to my suburban residence for the Half - timbered Yis Yis Yis, !!!!!!

How he laughed when i requested Jacobs Crackers & nuts and the Waiters arrived and said :

"Your Crackers ! leading dealer"

and

"Your' Nuts ! Leading dealer"

It's so delightful to hear his merry laugh at such a jape !!!!!! Yis Yis Yis, as he said :

"I thought you left your nuts with Dommo ? "

i thought he'd have a heart attack when i replied :

" He' always likes a Mouthful you know "

What a merry Fellow, almost as "merry" as that bloke what runs the Opera Society for Snobs !!!!! but they won't let me in for some reason Yis Yis Yis, Bleurrrrrr

later we went, he & the Harem in the White Imperial Delauney Bellevilles and i in my Popemobile back to "the Preceptory" - a forbidding Medieval Fortified manorial Establishment deep in rustic North Oxford (behind Oxfam)

a delightful place - we passed through the Coombe on the way to the House and i mentioned this The Colonel said :

"Yes, we have a "coombe with a View" Here

i thought i'd wet myself over that Joke which i shall use myself !!! so I asked about the Dungeons - "What ho, leadin' dealer Lookin' for the Instruments of Torture What ? I think there may be some leather straps etc left there some place don't yer Know !!!! want me to find 'em out for ye ?

I felt a frisson all over (But it ran away before i could catch it )

We went into the elegant West Saloon (not Wild - Ed)furnished in the best possible taste and where a film Projector had been set up - i retrieved the can of film hidden about my person and set it up - and just got my trousers up as the "harem" assembled and sat in the Louis Quinze Fauteuills, the Colonel then climbed the steps up to his Gold Throne with mysteriously the letter G above him ( for Gramophone i assume or perhaps the E and M had dropped off ) and i sat on a cushion on the floor :

"as Befits so exulted a Guest" said the Colonel ! (with a laugh)

There we watched the film i had taken secretly of the "Society" Weekend - how "The Colonel " Rocked with laughter particularly at "Ma" banker's Lecture on avoiding income tax by having Multiple Ebay names "57575", "SpanishRamRodent" " Rote veg vendor" etc

We had a break for tea and "the Colonel's Maid offered me a ( Psychopeter) Dutchy original Biscuit - personally signed by the Prince Of Wales - to which i quipped :

"nothing dull or suburban here Colonel"

Which made him rock with Laughter !!!! Yis Yis Yis

he actually said:

"better than a trained Monkey What ? "


He asked how i had concealed the camera - and i said it had been secreted somewhere private for the whole of the weekend - which made him Laugh all the more !!! Yis Yis Yis, sometime si just don;t understand the Joke !!!! Bleurrrrrr

I drove home later much amused by my touch with Nobility although Riled * by the way the Gates were slammed after me and the echoing laughter from the "Preceptory" as i left !!!!!

* The Leading Dealer occasionally uses Obscure outdated phrases unfamiliar to the modern reader - in this Case "riled" meaning Cross or angry and last used in parlance in 1920's Surrey - we think he picked it up either in Surrey Cottages in his youth from older men or from his Mother & stepfather(s) in the leafy Surrey (Suwee) Suburbs where he grew up (allegedly)
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

User avatar
Gmemg
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Posts: 1452
Joined: Sat Dec 09, 2017 2:39 pm
Location: Bunkerton Castle, The Grand Duchy of Ruritania
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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:11 pm

Dear Diary , another great day in the Great life of the World's Greatest Phonytrader (Some mistake surely ? - Ed) in the world yis, yis, yis, BleuRRRRRRRRRRRRR

After a delightful morning trolling about the town as Enforcer for the "Apostrophe Society " where i found 15 mistakes in signage - it's amusing that in the "society" I'm known as "the Lord High Elocutioner " Yis Yis yis !!

I then sat down to type some more "anonymous" letters threatening the other "Society" Members with Exposure if they vote against any of the Dire - ectors !!! YIS YIS YIS

I then tackled my E.mails and what an OUTRAGE !!!!! an E.Mail from a YANK !!!!! What a Cheek (I prefer a "peachy" Pair personally as does the TMF Admin i hear !)

I did my usual proceedure - traced his IP address, traced his Server, got his address from the Crapophone maker from whom he's bought a spring, traced his birth certificate, and finally replied telling he i am far too buys, far too important to reply to Yanks - i just cannot maintain an "internet Presence" due to my being rushed off my feet with gramophone orders form the UK !!!!! Yis Yis Yis Bleurrrrrrr

I shall later bombard him with telephone calls as i did with the Doctor in Marlow who had an EMG MK 9 base with a Mk 10 horn and who sold it to a Bummer !!!!!! instead of me !!!!! (Pardon ? - Ed ) as did SId with that 202

What IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE !!!!!!

It makes me

"PATHE LOGICAL"
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

User avatar
Gmemg
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Posts: 1452
Joined: Sat Dec 09, 2017 2:39 pm
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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:12 pm

Dear Diary, Yis Yis Yis another day in the Life of the Greatest Phonograph dealer in the World Yis Yis Yis (Can't buy Gramophones can you ? - ED) after rising at 10 am and quickly dressing it's off to another days dealing and immersing myself in the Glorious world of the Dealer - ah the life,! off to kempton park where the Ring is in fine form and after the knock out in the lorry park Mr Wiggy , as Cashier puts £220 in my pocket for doing nothing except "being there" as Peter Sellars might say then it's off Viewing Auctions where i can Blackmail lesser dealers & Gullible Girl Buggering Collectors into paying me off so i don't "bid them up " Yis Yis Yis !!!!

Then it's off to Dommos for a brief "session" Yis Yis Yis we were in our "Briefs" !!!!! but only Briefly !!!!!!! until Gorgeous George arrived with some dresses for a "try On " and he did try it on - in fact we were more of a triangle !!!!!!

The off to the "society" meeting - without the dresses however delightful it was - not quite Cecil Beaton but you can't have everything as "Dommo" Says even though he "has " most !!!!! Yis Yis Yis - as we strolled through the streets Dommo's Nike 231's were greatly admired by the "demi - Monde" and after a couple of "Cottage" Visits on the way we arrived at the Meeting - we have to show our faces (amongst other things) even though most of the lectures are Dull to say the least but one has obligations !

We arrived to find the hallway packed .............with those attending another lecture in the smaller hall , only 4 of us went into the lecture on .............err...................d'you know i can't remember anything about it ! Yis Yis Yis, BLEURRRRRRRRRR, luckily i can just remember the name the Comic Turn on after ............Mr Willy FuddyDuddy - Boreman who was a Laugh an Hour ! Hilarious ! we , all three of us were in stitches so a typical "Society" lecture really !!!!! - the bad news was that one of our members has been revealed to be a Paedo (only ONE ? - Ed ) it now appears that The Police are to investigate the entire membership every single one and not just those who attend meetings but ALL of us even the West Country ones !!!!!! Yis Yis Yis who as we all know are just an inoffensive bunch of Pompous wallies some of whom have "Theatrical" marriages !!!!!!!! Yis Yis Yis !!!!! I'm worried that some will tell the truth and NOT do as the Directors tell them and keep Quiet about the Paedos, the Drugs grown on "the Farm" the Fraud, the Conspiracy to pervert the course of Justice, The Member Who's Wife had to Screw a Freemason to keep him out of Prison for Fraud Etc

SO i was authorised by the Directors to consult to Black Books" we keep to "Blackmail" the membership and compile yet more "anonymous" Letters threatening anyone who talks about the Paedos, Fraud, Drugs Fraudulent & Rigged Auctions and Violence within the society with exposure ! let them Beware !!!

YIS YIS YIS

Right, Off to a Dire-ctors "Secret" Meeting - we've got to plan to keep a firm Grip on the Society as we don;t want any of the other dozen perverts exposed or we're all out ! and then we wouldn't be able to loot the membership as we've done for 40 years !!!!!! Yis Yis Yis !!!!!

Got to go , busy busy busy !!!!!!
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:12 pm

Dear Diary, Yet another day in the Great Career, Nay , The Greatest Career of any Talking machine specialist in the Western Hemisphere ! I was sitting in my Study Plucking my Pink Banjo whilst looking through the Gay Jazz magazines Dommo had passed to me in the Cottage in New Bond Street when i heard a"Ping" i thought i'd done myself a mischief but no it was an E.Mail coming in

I rose and consulted the computer and it was an E.Mail from a Fan !!!!(One of Many ? - ED) He said

"I think of you as a cross between Barry Manilow and Liberace"

What a compliment !!!!!!!- to be compared with such artists who, when they were like me, at the TOP of their Game were international stars !!!!Yis Yi sYis, how true , how VERY true Indeed , in fact what the writer could not have known is that i am the GREATEST fan of Barry Manilow and actually have a shrine to him in my Home Yis Yis Yis, indeed my home, and myself is entirely a shrine (With eStoat as a "Shriner ? - Ed) to that fantastic , Camp 1970's style that they made so famous ...........Sadly my correspondent then went on to SPOIL it all - How, I hear you cry ? (What a Talking Book now - are you NUTS ? - ED)

Well, he offered me a F*****G CABINET GRAMOPHONE not BY HMV

What is WRONG with these people ?????????

As the TOP Dealer i am offered THOUSANDS of TOP machines per week for FREE just so the former owners can have the priviledge of saying then did business with ME and thus i ship out to all destinations both Small , Middling and Large !!! Yis Yis Yis, THEN i saw the Class M (For Murder ? or Minder ?- Ed ) i quickly e.mailed the owner pointing out that as the GREATEST living Gramophone Dealer and a personal friend of the Authors of the latest boring Gramophone book and largest contributor to that book as no - one has the knowledge of screw threads and screw positions than I have - i had the SOLE RIGHT to make a derisory offer for it which he would be obliged to accept YIS YIS YIS !

I heard no more but it was withdrawn and i confidently cracked open a bottle of Blue Nun 1977 to celebrate when i saw it had been relisted and that it had already reached £5,000 - £4,500 more than i would have paid - or would have paid in the "Ring" what a F*****G Liberty !!!!!!!

It later made OVER £14,000 with NOT A PENNY going to any Dealer / Bent Auctioneer/Bent Auction - What IS this F****G world coming too !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am F*****G Fed up with the inconsiderate, ungrateful Basterds of the Gramophone world - I am the LEADING F******G DEALER , F*****G Dealer de Luxe That's ME !!!!!!and they won't forget that - oh no Time to F**K up a few of them - Remember I KNEW All about Keith Harding and got a lot out of him and i'm going to get my fair share out of everyone else YIS, YIS, YIS, Bleuuuuuuurrrrrr!!!!!!! just like the Football Hooligans who got stuff out of Gerry in the Vintage Dykes Society !!!!! if ANYONE can sell Class M's, 203's and that sort of thing it's ME , F****G ME and no - one else has the F****G Right, RIGHT !!!!!!

and if ANYONE thinks they can sell their 202 with triangular dent in the lid WITHOUT offering it to me for £500 they will F******G REGRET It Chum !!!!!!! I have a Korean Millionaire salivating on his leash for one - YIS YIS YIS, Mr Fuk Assho will pay top dollar - and that top F****G Dollar is MINE Chum Bleeeeuuuurrrrrrrr!!!

I'M REALLY F******G Riled now, yes I'm so F*****G RILED i'm "Riled - Ace of Spies"BLLLLLLEEEUUUUURRRRRR !!!!!!!!

Let NO ONE forget that I am Top F****G Asshole (Err, Shouldn't that be "Banana" ? - Ed ) in the Gramophone world !!!!!!!
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:13 pm

NVCF Special


Yis, Yis, Yis, I'm back with a special edition - it was the Uk's equivilent to "the Wayne " Show - yes the NVCF run incomparably by the BVWS - the well known Paedo society (apart from the CLPGS - Ed) and despite the death of Leading BVWS Paedo Gerry Wells the event went off incredibly well - but i would say that wouldn't i as i was the TOP Talking machine dealer there !

It all started when my wife brought me Tea in Bed and one for my oriental Lover Hi- Blow Jobi who's inscrutible Kimono never fails to fascinate me - my wife went back to her lesbian Lover whilst we dressed Yis yis Yis,

I ad filled the car last night with the treasures i had bought from the hundreds of large collections i am offered ever week Yis Yis Yis, (NO F*******G Cabinet machines thought) and we set of for the "Black Country" or as i can it "suicidal Steve's Hideout" BLEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRR!!!! where the "Leading Collector" uses his fake Brummy accent to woo his clients Wives !!!!!!!! and then calls their husbands "thieves" to all & sundry Yis Yis Yis

We got to the Luxury event only to find Mr Wiggy there before us - how does he do it ???????? he'd bought another Kammerer & reinhart Berliner as he did at ardingly but this time for £5 from O'l Sleepyeyes

"oi Oi - That's £12 grand to you if yer wants it (already) he said

I replied we get that sort of thing in most of the collections i buy but Mr Wiggy only laughed and got his portable internet machine out to put the Berliner straight on Ebay !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Being Britain's premiere talking Machine event when the early entry doors opened (£25 - a bargain ) we were inundated with the 2 people who came in - i didn't know how all the stallholders standing around looking at each other were going to cope !!!! and later when the official opening time drew near i peeked out and saw 4 people there willing to pay the bargain price of £10 to get in !!!!!!

It was rather an eventful day i sold 35 of my Hornless grand gramophones thus proving they are THE most desireable and interesting of gramophones far better than those Lunieres, Berliners and EMG things that no - one wants now !!!!!

it was a great day made most amusing when "karismatic Ken" staggered over and started berating me about one of the hornless grands ;

Him : Ere, Sunshine that fooking crap is a fookin' repro yer bawshterd i'll knock yer fookin' block off sunshine !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: No, no, no, Ken it's completely correct - it's a 1921 HMV transportable hornless grand with original Big ben no 2 soundbox as made - see the 3rd screw frm the left has a 24tpi thread rather than the usual 25tpi which makes it rather unique don;t you think ...........err..........."Sunshine"

sadly Ken had fallen under his stall amidst the cobwebs from Bazza Williams collection he's only had for 7 years now and the 2 empty crates of "Yorkshire Gold Authentic Scotch whisky only 99p a hogshead"

yis, yis, yis, another triumph for the word's greatest internationally international dealer in international talking machine hornless grands -after all i AM the leading supplier to the glorious "Chunnsori" Museum in Hong Kong which boast of being "the largest collection in the World" (Is that true ? - Ed )

later Mike "crapophone" Beardie came up begging the price of a cup of tea for him and his wife as things haven't been going well lately apparently - i said :

"well, Mike , if we're honest they haven't been going well for about 25 years Bleeeuuuurrrr"

"Yeh yeh, you're right leading dealer(Stoking beard vigorously) but i've got some great gossip for you ........we heard it from Paul Bunn the Spanish Runn Weasel"

Me : "oh yes, what is it - it'd better be interesting and worth the price of cup of tea Yis Yis Yis "

Mike : "Well it seems (stokes beard which resembles a dead rat) the "suicidal" TMF admin's Mistress's mother has a "police Record" for being a (Ahem) "professional"

Me "Yis Yis Yis, we all know that beardie - that's not worth the price of some hot piss frankly is there nothing else ?"

Mike : " well, his mistress was seen buying a "strapon" recently ....................."

Me : "Oh "

Mike "Yes, he not only likes buggering girls but , as in the Film "the Damned" he likes to be buggered too!!"


Me" Well, well, well, i didn't know he had it in him !!!!! Yis Yis Yis that's worth a whole five of your Earth Pounds "

mike "Fanks Gov, we can pay off our 3 mortgages now and eat for a year on that in Bedford's best Nosh House - "the Cat's Banana"

|I'm off to "bugger a Baker" at least he won;t get a "Bun " in his oven will he !
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:13 pm

"Scenes / Impressions from the Fogeyfair"

Yis, Yis, Yis, another Great Day for the Society !!!! another Fine day for the Fogeyfair even if some of us have to be "up with the Lark" and so at 4.30am Dommie pushed me out of bed and after my Toast & marmalade .....were washed off in the shower i went down for breakfast and off to collect my Hentchman "odd jap" who helps me at the fair as my daughter "Cath" couldn't make it as the was busy trying to trap some chap on the internet !

I got to the obscure location , behind the trees & the public Loo on the one way system - i jokes to Oddjap that "I only like it one Way, yis, Yis, Yis, " he only Groaned in that oriental way Peter Ustinov made famous and i repeat ad nauseum !!!!!

all the chaps were there yis, yis, Yis, BLeurrrrrr, Wiggy, Timbo, Suicidal Steve, Snowy, Dopey (paul from worcester) Mick and Tich , they all welcomed my arrival with raised arms !!!!!!

I unloaded my stock and we threw open the doors at 10am .....................at 5 past 2 we heard the familiar clatter of zimmer frames and some of the younger members eventually made it into the hall after Al made sure there were no "Brown noser" types (like the Chunnsori Museum) he regaled us with wonderful anecdotes such as

"Is worked with "suicidal Steve" yer knows, yuss for a Crook...............when is found out i left ...........but he didnt' yer knows"


Charming, Fascinating stories...................i managed to buy a "Dupe - Stiasny Collection" machine with "Suicidal Steve" fakey diaphragm from Wiggy and before i had put it on my stall it had SOLD just the sort of thing that happens to a top dealer such as me every day of the year !!!!!!!!!!!

There was a huge crowd all day - there was a steady flow of people all day to the Loos and occasionally one or two strayed on their way to the exit to look in on the "Trading Room" where business was so brisk you couldn't see any trading done at all !!!!! Yis Yis Yis,

It's such a great Craic at the Fogeyfair - only one bore actually died during the day and after he was resusitated he bought a Pathe disc of "beatrice Harrison's 1911 hit : "It's a long way to the Fogeyfair so buy something for F**ks Sake " " for 50p thus making the day for the dealer concerned !

I had crowds around my stall, Yis, Yis, Yis, well, what can you expect when you think i have been an internationally international dealer for over %0 years , yet some were waving pieces of paper with odd scibbles from some Auction years ago i didn;t even go to as it was such rubbish - why do people believe such forgeries !!!! Yis Yis Yis, and then "Suicidal" Steve asked about the Lost Profit Museum Sale and i regaled him with many anecdotes about that great day we both went to !!!!! Bleurrrrrrr

Such Japes, Mr Bunn & i compared Stripey elderly aged bloke T Shirts and "bow Fronts" and together we counted, and whilst i have not seen the figures, 2 people without either White Hair/Beards or Bald heads - "Suicidal Steve" and "Ma Bunn " compared Bald spots as Steve's is now visible from Space or as i put it from Uranus ! !!!!!Yis Yis Yis, Bleurr, Yis Yis Yis, Bleurrrrr Bluerrrrrr,

the place was literally stocked with bargains to be had and indeed the Phonotraders & I managed to stock up so if you visited after 8am they were gone and the rest is a waste of time , "Suicideal " Steve cast a critical eye (& Bald Spot) over the stalls and went away, he was later overheard on his 'phone in the carpark to "ken" saying :

"another load of fookin' crap ken, Boi Christ, already , whoi oh whoi do oi bother ? ahm fookin' off Boddie to watch a 14hr documentary about the Hypocaust , i am or i moight cycle oop fish Hill - that's not a euphemism yer know " (in a Fake brum accent)

although he did go away from the event loaded (as he had come) i said to him :

"Why Oh Why oh Why oh Why don;t you get some new shoes, "Brown Shoes, I ask Yer" and a new shirt - that one dates to 1988 !!! Yis YisYis how's Your Mistress, still taking it up the a......... "

At that moment a coach load of east Europeans & Yanks came in and bought my entire stock of hornless grands - over 200 of them as they are the MOST desirable machines in the entire world and i have the largest stock !!!!!

I later gave my lecture about HMV Screw threads 1899 - 1955 and "HMV screw head positions on the HMV 101" then we had a minutes silece for "matrix Number Frank" where no - one mentioned that he NEVER included any footnotes or references in any of his articles thus making them utterly worthless*

and above us all "1928" the date most Society members were born - wot a touch Yis, Yis, Yis, and after all costs the Society members only had to subsidise this pathetic event to the tune of £250 ao a bargain really especially as neither i nor any of the "trade" had to pay anything for atall - Dire - ectors Perque you know !!!!!

yes, yes another GREAT day for the World's Greatest dealer in dealing - but as i said to one client

"yes we have no Stiasni, we have no Stiasni to - day "

Hi - Di - Hi

and "Don;t forget the Diver "

Under pressure, Under Pressure Yis Yis Yis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



* Starkraving pointed this out some time ago in "Volkische 78rpm Beobachter" the magazine of the German Record collectors Society or Deutches SS as its known
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:14 pm

Page 94 - The Hols , "Dirty Dishes" & CLPGS "Game of Arseholes"

Dear Diary, Yis Yis Yis, I've just got back from My Hols - a WHOLE month in the Wonderful Gay south American resort of "Ells Belles" , Yis Yis Yis, and being the World's LEADING DEALER i use the Aztec Calendar and thus the 10th of the month is ALWAYS a Tuesday even if the UK Calendar it's a thursday - my Airline - "Gay Burne Aire" always recognize that fact ! Bleueerrrr

Yis, Yis, Yis, I got a cab back from the Airport to my Bijou Log Cabinette in Deepest Suwee so i could Surprise Dommie and having paid the driver and was about to reward him with one of my "Cunninglinguist " Jokes but half way through he drove off !!! Bleurrrrr so i arrived at my door with my woven South American grass Hat & Matching Chinos and a Woven Donkey under my arm - a present from the grateful "Homies" of the "Dirty Dishes" Gay Club - yIs Dommie & I certainly Like "Dirty Dishes" * only to hear the familiar beeping from my answerphone ......................

Yis Yis Yis, There were over 300 messages from the Gramophone world Members all wanting to offer the GREATEST items possible as they know that only I have the contacts for re - motored HMV 102's . Hornless grands with the doors off, Console William & Mary Diamond Disc machines (Slightly Damp from the leaking Garage roof) and HMV 511s with peeling veneers & "Butt Plugs"

I sat down for a soothing cup of Hada Tea with Candy Cane and went through them but alas a GREAT Dealer's Day is never easy Bleuuuurrrr i had over 200 offers of Cabinet machines NOT By HMV so i rang all those back first telling them that :

"I'M the F*****G Leading Dealer, I DON'T have the time to call people back with Utter F****G Crap like that , what do you think I am ?????Yis Yi sYis, some sort of Wig Wearer dog Breeder ????? I am the Leading Dealer and Don;t have F****G Time for this I have to call President Fiction of The Gold Coast at 3am to as he's desperate for an HMV 103 You F*****g F*****Fs do you think i'm some sort of "bucket Boy "??????????? "

And after 20 minutes of this i'm sure they regretted calling me Yis Yis and thrice Yis !!!!!!!

I did have offers of HMV 202s and 203's so i rang them , gracing them with my presence and voice only to be told "We've sold it on Ebay as you were on Hols with your Gay Lover and got £2,000 was that a good price ? " I was breathless with anger Yis Yis Yis, but managed to get them to tell me who had bought these things ................i did ask if they had anything else only to be told they had a 1983 bang & Olofsun stereo .........I slammed the 'phone down in disgust yis yis yis !!!!!!!! Now to intimidate some Society Cretins !!!!!!!

I spent the next 2 hours shouting at elderly incontinent Society members and managed to get out of them some interesting things - so not a bad day - 20 Hornless grands for my Korean Millionaire Mr Fuk - Assho

I then put on my Best jeans & Nike 203a trainers Virgin, unused trainers, straight ourt of the pristine box for a very special occasion Yis Yis Yis, the opening of the Society's New Board Game ......................

"A Game of Arseholes"


Got To Go , Under Pressure, Under Pressure Yis Yis Yis


* Joke Courtesy of Stephen Fry's " Fry's Delight" radio 4
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

User avatar
Gmemg
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Joined: Sat Dec 09, 2017 2:39 pm
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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:14 pm

Dear Diary , so sorry it's been some time since i made an entry - but then that's the story of my life Yis Yis Yis, it's been hectic at my New Leading Dealer LAir Yis Yis Yis, Bleeeeurrrr, a REAL BUMPER Xmas with the emphasis on BUM so many "backorders" To fulfill over 2,000 machines sent out in the week before Xmas (How many were Genuine - ED) i just didn't know if i was coming or going but luckily Dommo was there to tell me which was which ! Yis, over £3 million turnover but mysteriously i'm not VAT Registered !

Before Xmas we also had the Society Xmas Party & panto - always a highlight of the year - and this year we had so much to celebrate what with the Societys new strategy of being on the Wireless as often as possible in fatuous irrelevant and uninformative programmes we now have more members than ever - and in this society you can never have too many members - just like my Brighton gay Club !!!!! Yis Yis Yis !!!!!

We met at a TOP London Address the "Hotel De Luxe De Poshe" in Bayswater and after our Xmas dinner - one Turkey between 15 of us and 2d extra or use of Cruet ! after which the fun started - ah yes i was Father X rated Xmas !!!! asking my fellow Dire - ectors to "Pull My Cracker" ending up with Dommo & i leading the "gay Conger" to the tunes of Reg Dixon jnr on his organ !!!!!

Wiggy tuned up with one of his Greyhounds looking like the Ghost of Xmas Past - well, how was i to know it was his now "Shicksa" Lover ? i'm not used to seeing him without one of his "sinister" orientals or his "paddington bear" "Suicidal" Steve TMF Admin turned up with his married Mistress, i asked if she had come as a "Gothic Horror" but apparently she always looks like that ! Yis Yis Yis , "oor ken" Turned up with his own "refreshment" his Yorkshire brewed "Special" Cough Mixture !

dear Old "Scotch Alec" dressed up as a Pantomime Dame - he insisted he always dressed like that - and Dommo did his Carmen Miranda Act until i managed to get his Banana in my mouth - as he put it :

"You're supposed to peel it before you do that duckie "

To much merriment - we managed to polish off 2 bottles of Blue Nun before we had to decide which one of us should be the Fairy on the Xmas tree but Dommo insisted i take the "Norwegian wood " in a tribute to the Beatles ! such a memorable evening - it was well past 7.45pm when Grayson the Porter had to "Shut that Door" and the membership went home for their cocoa & Child Molesting !

On Xmas Morn Dommo & I went to do our Charity Work - yes we went Visiting Society members who can't get out as often as they like so it was at 9am we found ourselves outside Brixton prison where spent the day with some hardened prisoners - they showed us what' it's like to be banged up , is this the way to bite ,my Pillow ? i asked one after which Dommo saw a Jamaican man he knew in the park opposite and said he had an "urgent appointment with a Chocolate Sandwich" although knowing Dommo he was likely to be the filling !

Alas it wasn't all fun, Mr Snail our Chairman dies after a short illness - he fell in his own oven after slipping in some of his own slime - so before he was cold we "elected" a new Chairman - Ken Cornflake who richly deserved his election (Giggles from Dommo) as he's so gullible !Yus Yis Yis Ken has had lots of ideas and has decided to Keep all Dead Members on the membership list so we can appear to have an active membership - yes we are the FIRST Society to have Zombies as members - let no one say we're just for Peados and pedants ! no we have the Undead as well !


and so it was Ken who gave us the first Society Lecture of the Year - he had moved the venue to a large rhall so we had MANY more empty chairs and some places for the Undead to rest whilst ken Cornflake gave us a lecture of the "Biscuit Wars" the legendary Commercial War Between Mc Vities & Huntley & Palmers to bring out the first Bikkie - Record, it was riveting ! yis Yis Yis (More Crumbly i would have thought - ed) Ken had all the facts at his fingertips - how much oakflakes had to go into the mixture for decent core and then the fine chokkie laminate so that the Great Works of Musical History Could be recorded such as :

" Handel's Wafer Music"

" Breakaway" by George Bath Oliver & His Music

"The Ride of the Jammie Dodgers" by Wagon Wheeler

"Haydn's Hobnob Symphony"

"I'm sitting on top of the World" by the Twix sisters

"My Sugar Content " By the Kit Kat band

and so many others (I'm sure you'll think of some more weak Biscuit related puns Colonel - ED)

We ended up as usual counting the Crumbs from that Lecture for weeks to come !

then more bad news - "Little" Tim our own Stalwart Senior member (Trans "Asshole" - Ed ) also Died - he ad worked for many years as a Thunderbirds stunt Puppet for the EMG Guru but after retirement had devoted his life to the Society and collating E Numbers for processed Food Packets - a life well spent ! in my next entry Dave cardboard will pay a tribute

Must Dash - more Backorders to Filfil

PLEASE F****G Note - NO CABINET MACHINES

Bye bye, by, bye, bye bye !!!!!!
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:15 pm

Rob Wrote

breakaway
the twix sisters
that's great!
would american dinah by custard creamer layton count?
or you're the cream in my bourbon by sophie tuckshop
or when I take my sugar in tea by reginald dipper
anything by max jaffercake
or penguin in the park the famous paulwhiteman record
my grandfather's rockbun by george borbon
or flaking in a pair of shoes (that'd be a member favorite) by kenny good bun
anything by the revelers of corse
or the chocolate flavouredcoon
oh dear, sorry :p
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

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Gmemg
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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:16 pm

Part 94 ; "Leading Dealer .................The Musical ?"

Yis,, Yis, Yis, Another great day in the life of the World's Greatest leading dealer - a full harvest from the "farm" MAJOR sales at the Great Society/Museum open day with great Craik from "baldy " Paul, yis yis yis then a whirlwind weekend with ,my Lover Dommo, i told my Wife i was "stocking up " but it was a gay Carefree weekend Coming & Going with Dom - we even saw our Mutual friend and so spend Sunday in The Gay Club with George who was wearing some stockings & one of his dresses so he certainly had his "stockings |Up" Yis Yis Yis

after such a wonderful time i went back to ,my suburban retreat full of the Joys of Dom only to hear the 'phone ringing ..............

"Who the F**K is that ? i muttered to myself -

"some CLPGS Arsehole wanting a 5a soundbox no doubt !!!!!!! having seen my Ever - changing Internet Presence

the contempt i feel for the members of the "Learned Society" matches that of the Other Dire - ectors !!!!! but NO , WHAT A GAY DAY INDEED

Me (Or should i say "the Star") : "Yis Yis Yis, Leading dealer here - Purvayor of Top Machines to the toppest people "

Sir Tim " Ah, hello is that "The Leading Dealer"

me : "Yis Yis Yis, What do you think i said .....Who are you Be Quick as i have to celebrate 55 years in the Business soon"

Sir Tim : "Ah, yes I'm Sir Tim Rice - Crispies and i and my Writing Partner , Lord Lloyds - bank PLC would like to discuss writing a musical based on your life & work ....."

Me : "is this some sort of F*******G Joke Chum ? It's HIM, Yis Yi sYis, "the Colonel " Strikes again Well I'm not fooled you "King of T***g"

and so i put the 'phone down ..................until it rang again ......................

Me "Yis Yis Yis, Leading Dealer here 55 years and 10 mins of specialisation Yis Yis Yis BLEURRRRRRRRR

Lord L-BPLC : " Leading dealer ? it's Lord loyds - Bank PLC here , My Colleague rang earlier and alas we were cut off ................

This time i recognised the unmistakable tone of voice , i had been a LIFELONG fan of his works , such as "Pussys" "Chrisptopher P Superstar" "Smithy & his amazing Technicolour dreamwig " so much so that i often hear people mutting "He's a Right Lloyds Banker " when they think i'm not listening yis yis yis (I think they say you're a "C**T" actually - ED)

Lord Ll - Bank PLC Continued : " We'd like to meet up to discuss putting your Gay Life on stage as a Musical would you be free for lunch to - morrow at "Grouchies" Club ? , you are a member i take it ?

Me : Ohh, Yis Yis Yis (He's NOT - ED) I'm Free as one of my Heroes puts it !!!!!Bleurrrrrrr Yis Yis Yis

Lord Ll - Bank : "Fine we'll see you there at 1pm then ............."

Well, as you can imagine i was delighted and began humming a few merry tumes from the classic "Dorothy" musicals i love so well, Who would or could Play me > who could play Dommo, Christopher, Ken Cornflake (Ken Dodd ? - ED) all mu Great friends in the trade, Ian M , Alastair , Roger .........the list of Friends is endless and who could play the multitudinous Rabble that make up my Client list ? who could re - create for the Stage Mr Fuk - Assho ? or "Gorgeous George - well at least he can help with costumes

I had to have a lie down - UNDER PRESSURE< UNDER REDUCED PRESSURE
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:16 pm

Dear Diary, Yis yis, Yis, the Great Day is here ! little did i realise how it would turn out in the end !!!!!! BLEEEUUUUURRRRRRR!!!!!!!

An early start with a few dozen 'phone Calls from eager collectors looking for the Toppest items in the World (Wrong numbers ? - ED) then I trolled over to "Grouchies" Club where the Homie on the Door scrutinized me but seeing HOW important i am (Or Was ? - Ed) let me in by the Servants entrance and thus i made my way to the grand Dining Room - all heads turned as i made my entrance - although being the Poshest posh club in London there was no "big Hand" the sober suited Gents were admiring my outfit - My Bouffant Hair, White chinos with an Open Pink frilled shirt and my largest medallion -"CLPGS Top Blackmailer of the year 1977" one of the elderly members (The Colonel ? - ED) by the fireside commented :

"They haven't let Simon Cowell in Have they - how Fwiftfully Vulgar, What !!!"

But i ignored him and trolled on and saw Lord Lloyds - Bank PLC and sir Tim Rice - Crispies sitting at discreet table in a Nook (You're not doing THAT Joke are you ? - ED)

as i approached i noticed a glance of admiration for my Outfit and a slight snigger , but he turned out to be a waiter

Lord LLds Bank PLC - " Ah Leading Dealer good to see you

Sir Tim, "Yes, It's good to see you've dressed for the part "

Me : "What Part"

(A Heckler in the room shouted "The Spare part Duckie " but i ignored him

Sir Tim, "Why the "Leading Part" of course , we want you to play the erstwhile Butler to HM Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother

Me : "Who was that ?"

"Lord L - B PLC " Why "Backstairs Billy" of Course"

Me : "Oh at least you don;t want me to play the "Old Queen" Yis Yis Yis BLEUUURRR

Sir Tim : "We try not to Typecast !

There was Much merriment throughout the Dining room at that "sally" ............i sensed a Queer atmosphere ..............

Sir tim : "We have considered other Musicals "Fat Man on a Hot Tin Roof " a Life of Your Late Chairman, "Wheels of Fire" a Chester tale, or " Wuthering Heights" a story of Northern gramophone Dealing but your story seemed the most "gay" and "theatrical"

Lord L - B PLC then handed me a manuscript and it turned out to be the score of "Leading Dealer - The Musical" i glanced through and due to my education at Cantab Coll wincanton i could immediately see it was using the rhythms of a Black Musical style

Me : "I see this is in some sort of Black Musical Style - is that appropriate ?"

Lord LL - B PLC "Oh yes we thought it most appropriate as we carefully consider any Musical We write and taylor - make it to the subject"

Sir tim: "Yes, we though of you and knew instantly which style we should use you see .........

Lord L - B PLC :" You see YOU are Sole, Leading Dealer ......................

Me : "WHAT!!!!!,What did you say you fat Frog Faced F****r ? "

Sir Tim : "Yes, without Doubt , YOU Are Soul, Leading Dealer ...................

Me: "I am the KING of PHonos, The "Leading Dealer" a LEGEND in my Own Dealership , a LEGEND in the SCOIETY !!!!! Yis Yis Yis BLUEEERRR C And i don;t have to take this any more,

Heckler : "I hear you "take it" Quite a lot from Dommo !!!!!!

a Huge roar of Laughter erupted around the room Yis YisYis - I wasn't staying to be insulted ! so i left

Later .....................

Not long now to the Fogeyfair - not to be confused with the Mechanical Museum /Peados Fair (Wasn't Frank Holland a Peado ? ) where i can stay in the company of Like Minded people who helped Loot Roger Thorne's Collection , baldy paul, Joe Grieg - Berliner, Ken Cornflake , Tim Bugger -Parson and the other Cancer sufferer Killers !!!!!!"Suicidal" Steve and his Painted whore Carole and the two or three "outsiders" who come in - little do they realise we DON'T Have Public Liability insurance !

PS : Ken cornflake called me to tell me that they to stage a Reading of these VERY Memoirs, Yis Yis Yis in the " Spare room" at the Buggerwick Fogeyfair - no he reassured me not the "ladies room" the other Hall !

Under Pressure, Under Reduced Pressure
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:17 pm

Dear Diary, Ah yis yis yis, another New year ..........they Come and go so fast nowadays as i said to dommo only this morning and he agreed

"Yes, just like some of those who come to see my Trainer collection on the stairs leading to my boudoir "

How true !!!yis yis yis, but Duty Calls even for the best and greatest toppest topmost dealer in all the World, Yis Yi Yis, as a trend setter i have to anticipate all the things the next generation (? ED) will want so i have been investing in Repros and radiogrammes and , despite what some Carping bores might say i am still BANG on trend !!!! even if "Society" people don;t want them at any price Yis Yis Yis

This morning whilst feather dusting the Bust of My Hero , Robert Robinson - a fellow Grammar school Boy i recalled all those Great Gay men I worshipped on my Knees - one way round or another ..............I received a 'phone call from someone with a collection of Inherited Phonographs so i took down the address changed into my "lucky Chinos" and despite the lateness of the afternoon set of in the Leading dealer mobile.................and so began my adventure

Yis yis yis i was driving down a Leafy Suweee road when i saw a green glow in the sky ahead ............i found i couldn't control the Leading Dealer Mobile ...............The i saw a strange shape heading toward me and it wasn't Dommo with his speedos on ! ..............

I awoke to find myself strapped to a table in some sort of high tech Lab ........i saw three shapes heading toward me .............they were green and lumpy and were obviously Aliens - the space ship travelled for what seemed like hours .............we landed on a Green planet and i was unstrapped and the aliens took me outside we were on a dusty circular and very flat planet with what looked grooves .............we headed toward a large circular domed structure sticking up in the middle with a Red Flag sticking our of the top ..............

A Door opened and we went into a spacious hall at one end of which was a large throne with an ancient Green goblin sat and on one side another ancient Goblin fiddling with some broken machinery and on the other side a great Fat frog like Goblin ............YES it was frank Andrews, Mike "Faker" Field and Richard Taylor ! i was amongst Ancient Aliens BUT at least they Were crooked CLPGS Directors and the Patron Himself !

"Welcome " said frank Goblin " This is the Planet GAY1 you probably want to know why we brought you here "

"Yis Yis Yis" I said

"We are a dying planet - our members are so old that we are almost dust and need to find new members so we brought you here to ask for your help "

"Yis , i can help YIS YIS YIS we have lots of GAY1's in our Society , the Learned Society known as the CLPGS with members in Four Continents most of Whom would consider themselves GAY 1's already "

"This is Good" Said Goblin Frank "In my earth Life i studied the Matrix numbers and they foretold that i would end up disappearing up my Own Exhaust pipe (Like most CLPGS Members) so i went into hibernation and ended up here on Gay 1 Last outpost of the Soviet Union and to eventually be joined by Richard & mike to help me in my quest to get a Commie Agent into "the President's Chair"

"I will do all i can to help - i can order the massed ranks of CLPGS Members to battle on your behalf until we have taken over earth and forced the masses to listen to Wagner on Crap indestructable cylinders for ever !!!!!!!Yis Yis Yis

"This is Good " Said Goblin frank we have the technology to re - record crap , boring italian opera by very obscure singers which few have heard of but we want to hear but it's very costly and we don't want to pay for it ourselves"

"No Problem" I said " We can get the Membership to pay be using the Bogus Charity we set up !

"Genius" Said the Goblin Teasmaid - i Mean frank "But we also need someone on earth to promote this "


"Valecnik, Valecnik Valecnik Valecnik, the massed Goblins cried ................Then several appeared and held me down .............One was armed with Giant Anal probe

They probed me mercilessly for hours ............... and i loved it !!!!!


Alas i woke up and was just a third rate Evil, Twisted, Turkey Necked , gay blackmailer again ..............

Must Go - Under Pressure, Under Pressure !!!!!! (From the Probe ?)
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:17 pm

Part 94 (again) "No Decline & No Fall " or "Don't Mention the Waugh"

Dear Dairy,

Yis Yis Yis, Another exiting week in the hecktick life of a leading dealer at the top of his game and top of his tree ! only yesterday was it our weekly "cheese & wine" party, we had invited "Suicidal" Steve TMF admin & his Mistress Carole but alas he had to finish a design for Mr Waughd and had lost his crayon and by the time he realised it was still up Carole it was too late, so Dommo decided to do some research into wine and popped into our local Oddbins for a "Tasting" and "guzzled" a cheeky young Romaeus Rosso who then sold him some Blue Nun - our Favourite and we thus settled down to watch the Box set of "Decline & fall"

"A Bit like Your Business nowadays"

Dommo Quipped and greatly regretted the sally (although not the cheeky italian) when i gave him a 20 minute lecture on how Topping I actually am Yis Yis Yis, I told him :

"My Business, My Business You bald F**K ? my business has never been better or faster , it's everyone else's Business that's in F****g Decline, buster - "Dulcetto Paul " can't sell anything on ebay and can't understand how he's been spotted on the CLPGS Forum known as the TMF - MY business IS selling so fast i can't even get photos on the website before the items are SOLD and SOLD again i've sold so F****G much my computer screen has run out of red ink !!!!!!

we began watching the programme after i finished off a fruity little Spätburgunder and when he recovered he fetched me a glass of wine , the Programme started well with some great actors showing their talents but then deteriorated with a totally unbelievable character coming on with a Red Face and aggressive attitude who later buggered a chauffeur !

"what a lot of tosh "

i said to dommo - "who could believe such a character could exist in real life eh , Eh ? "

Dommo just went for another bottle and muttered ;

"I think i'll start calling you "Captain Grimes" ducky

and for the rest of the evening an increasingly slurry dommo kept calling me "the Captain "

NOT amusing at all and later got on the phone to Gorgeous George off at a Dress fitting to tell him all about "captain grimes" and the cheeky Italian - their outrageous Camp laughter was most irksome !!!!!

i managed to dissipate my Fury by ringing Crapo Mike and shouting at him for 1/2 an hour (I usually reserve that treat until i'm standing by his stall so i can be filmed by another stallholder on his phone) until he agreed to write some more nonsense on the internet about my enemy !!!!


Yis Yis Yis

Captain Grimes indeed !!!!!! "decline & fall" ? i'm at the top of my F*****G tree and not "Out of it" as some say !!!

Must Go under Pressure, under Pressure !!!Yis Yis Yis
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:18 pm

Dear Diary, What a GAY DAY for the world;'s Cleverest , handsomest, and YES Gayest Leading dealer in the world !!!! Yis Yis Yis Bleurrrr

It all began well with my waking up to find a lovely cup of earl grey on the bedside table and a not from Dommo

"Hope you enjoy the tea Ducky, I'm off for a Gander at some cylinders with Dulcetto- i'll be back in a Twink "

I assumed he had misspelled that despite my years of trying to teach him pedantic Grammar !!Yis Yis Yis, so i gently slipped out of our (slightly Soiled) Silk sheets (lightly Fisted last Night) and slipped on my Calvin clines , my skinny jeans over my pot - belly and with my medallion affixed and open necked shirt i was ready to Bouffant my Hair - just as "Backstairs Billy" former Butler to HM The Queen Mother - The second Greatest Old Queen (after me) had taught me

So 2 hours later i was prinked & Perfumed and on the road to Kettering to fetch a cheapy HMV 211 from some dullard on ebay - HE didn't see that and "Buy it F***G Now" Did He - the thought of that 203 in the maw of the RED VANmakes my Blood Boil - those people had RUNG ME and so what if was "diving" in Mexico (Or whatever his name was) that was MINE - my fists clentched at the steering wheel and my face qwent purple with anger - all things i will recall the next time some Society member makes a joke about me - no one fakes anger better than me ! (Or society Lectures about screw - threads on 101s - ED)

I collected the 211 with time to spare and as i was now "in the North " i thought i would have a "Garage Meeting" with "suicidal " Steve and discuss the CLPGS stategy for The TMF but alas he was busy having a "meeting" with his very Plain Midlands Mistress - as i always say :

"you Don;t look at the mantlepiece if your stoking the Fire"

PArticularly not if your, Like Steve and Most Society members actually "Stoking" the Back Boiler - He's still in the "Iron Closet" Yis Yis Yis !!!!!! (Like YOU - ED)

I thus sailed past the Milton Keynes Depot of My enemy - what a Tragic address Milton Keynes is for anyone - most decidedly not "the Right Side of The Park" as my Old Tutor In gayness would have said !!!!! i felt like going in there and berating them for hours about how weird and odd my Enemy is and showing them the fake news item I & Steve conconted about him - even though he'snot mentioned but then recalled that the place is full of CCTV Cameras both outside & in and i don;t want to leave any evidence as Mike crapo did when he complained to the Forum Hosts !!!!

SO i was back in time to attend the opening of a new Dolcis in my Suwee Town - Dommo had already arrived luckily not quite in a Twink as he said ! (He'd gone back to college) but with Gorgeous George in a new flowery dress which , i noticed when he stood again the light was transparent - and it was transparent he wasn't wearing any Knickers ! - Dommo noticed this as well and quipped :

"Perhaps they're the ones in the Trophy Room"

We all roared with laughter !! and i began slapping Dommo's Bald head until some bystander (yes You!) said :

"That takes me back - are you benny Hill ?

At which Dommo Said

"More Like Benny from Crossroads with that fat on 'im "

I was F****G Incandescent

"BENNY F********G from Crossroad - "The Duchess of Duke Street is more my LEVEL MATE"

it entirely spoilt our Appreciation of the Trainer Section of the shop even though the aroma of new shoes is often an aphrodisiac i couldn't get the "vibe" we had fortunately noticed a new Pattisserie opposite so when Dommo said he was off to get e "Cream Pie" i was rather surprised to see him heading for the changing rooms with a couple of large, muscled Coloured Gents " he didn't return until sated and there wasn't any for me

"A Moment on the lips, a Lifetime on the Hips Ducky"

as he poked my Bulging Facade - "You need that shoring up" why not try "Steve" after all he converted the Drugs \Barn for the Farmer


All in a Day for a TOP . Toppest Leading Dealer at the TOp of MY Game

Ta For Now !!!!!

Under Pressure, Under Pressure
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

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Gmemg
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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Sun Dec 24, 2017 7:27 pm

As writ faithfully By Soundgerm Ye Scribe (about as accurate as he made Crapophones - ED)


And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Proudfeet that all the Collectors should be taxed.

2 (And this taxing was first made when Hamilton was governor of the Society .)

3 And all Disc & Gram fearing went to be taxed, every one into his own city.

4 And The Leading dealers father (unknown !) also went up from Penge , out of the city of Londinium , into Suwee, unto the city of Dommo , which is called Thamesey Dittionie ; (because he was of the house and lineage of Christie :)

5 To be taxed with Mummy Leading Dealer his non - espoused Concubine , being great with Know - All Leading Dealer .

6 And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered by DHL.

7 And she brought forth her firstborn Leading Dealer (We're not sure of the Gender and neither is he ) , and wrapped him in 1970's "fashionable" clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the fake Beamed inn where they actually Lived .

8 And there were in the same country Wooden Woolly herders abiding in the field, keeping watch over their Cylinders by night.

9 And, lo, the Hawkey of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid they might get caught with the Cannabis Cylinders , Kiddi Fiddling, Membership Fraud etc etc etc .

10 And the Hawkey said unto them, You Blighters should be sore afraid : for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great Woe, which shall be to all people.

11 For unto you is born this day in the Society of Proudfeet a sort of temporary Saviour, which is The Leading Dealer .

12 And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the Leading dealer wrapped in 70's casuals , lying in a dated 70's manger.

13 And suddenly there was with the Hawkey a multitude of the Croakey old Voices host praising The Leading Dealer , and saying,

14 Glory to Frank Andrews in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward Inaccurate record Matrix Lists but not Grams .

15 And it came to pass, as the Hawkey were gone away from them into heaven, the Wooden Wolly Herders said one to another, Let us now go even unto Suwee , and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Hawkey hath made known unto us and see how much we can But Old Ken the wisest of the lot sayeth : "Fook that oi'm stayin' 'ere with bottle - Hic " .

16 And they came with haste, and found The Leading Dealer's Mother & His Step Father , and the Leading Dealer lying in a manger. as Verily he shall Lie for ever more

17 And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child ""verily he will Gay Blackmail all the Membership " .

18 And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the Wooden Woolly Herders .

19 But The Leading Dealer''s Mother kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart wondering what a Gay Club Visiting monster she had brought forth ! .

20 And the Wooden Woolly Herders returned, glorifying and praising Proudfeet for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.

21 And when eight days were accomplished for the circumcising of the child, his name was called Leading Dealer , which was so named of the Hawkey Flying Above before he was conceived in his own Lunchtime verily as were many others .

22 And when the days of her purification according to the law of Proudfeet were accomplished, they brought him to Suwee, to present him to the Society ;

23 (As it is written in the law of the Proudfeet , Every male that openeth the Profit shall be called holy to the Wiggy;)

24 And to offer a sacrifice according to that which is said in the law of the Lord, A pair of, Soundgen Crapophones .

25 And, behold, there was a man in Carterhatch Lane , whose name was Reg ; and the same man was just and devout, waiting for the consolation of Israel or his Brummagem Mistress : and the Holy Ghost was upon him - well, it was his wife after she found out about the mistress .

26 And it was revealed unto Reg by the Holy Ghost, that he should not see death, before he had seen the Leading Dealer brought Down before Wiggy his Master .

27 And he came by the Spirit into the CLPGS temple: and when the parents brought in the child Leading Dealer , to do for him after the custom of the law,

28 Then took he him up in his arms, and blessed Proudfeet , and said,

29 Lord, now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace, according to thy word:

30 For mine eyes have seen thy salvation Army Shop with some great 78s in the window and a 203 in the cellar ! ,

31 Which thou hast prepared before the face of all people and i shall buy for £50 and sell for £45 ;

32 A light to lighten the Gentiles, and the glory of thy people named Ian who saith "verily doeth Reg Make an Living from a Loss" .

33 And The Leading Dealer's Mother & Stepfather marvelled at those things which were spoken of him.

34 And Reg blessed them, and said unto his mother, Behold, this child is set for the fall and Destruction of many in the Learned Society and for a sign which shall be spoken against;

35 (Yea, a sword shall pierce through thy own soul also,) that the thoughts of many old Farts may be revealed.

36 And there was one Joon a prophetess, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Bedford : she was of a great age, and had lived with an husband seven years from her virginity;

37 And she was a widow of about fourscore and four years, which departed not from the temple, but served Proudfeet with fastings and prayers night and day.

38 And she coming in that instant gave thanks likewise unto Proudfeet , and spake of him to all them that looked for redemption in The Society

39 And when they had performed all things according to the law of the Lord, they returned , to their own city Suwee

40 And the child grew, and waxed strong in Pompousness , filled with False wisdom about HMV 101 Screw thread positions : and the grace of Proudfeet was upon him.

41 Now his parents went to Suwee every year at the feast of the Crapophone.

42 And when he was twelve years old, they went up to Suwee after the custom of the Kirstie Alsopp Twee festival .

43 And when they had fulfilled the days, as they returned, the child Leading dealer tarried behind in Londinium ; and His Mother & stepfather knew not of it.

44 But they, supposing him to have been in the company, went a day's journey; and they sought him among their kinsfolk and acquaintance.

45 And when they found him not, they turned back again toLondinium , seeking him.

46 And it came to pass, that after three days they found him in the Society , sitting in the midst of the"learned Members" , both hearing them, and asking them questions.

47 And all that heard him were astonished at his understanding and answers.

48 And when they saw him, they were amazed: and his mother said unto him, Son, We are amazed at you extensive knowledge of Korean Millionaire Collectors
and their desireth for HMV 203ths and I have sought thee sorrowing for The Society of who's downfall thou art prophesized as encompassething .

49 And he said unto them, How is it that ye sought me? wist ye not that I must be about my West Countrie business of Making & Selling Cannabis Resin Cylinders ?

50 And they understood not the saying which he spake unto them as he had an annoying way about him even then !! .

51 And he went down with them, and came to Suwee, and was subject unto them: but his mother kept all these sayings in her heart.

52 And Leading Dealer increased in Pompousness and False stature, and in favour with Proudie and Gay men.

Part Ye Seconde - "The Leading Dealer Meeteth Dommo and is shown ye ways to ye City of Sodom .............................
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

E M Ginn
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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by E M Ginn » Fri Dec 29, 2017 3:35 am

whatever happened to him ?

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Re: The Secret Diary of a "leading Dealer" Aged 75 3/4

Post by Gmemg » Fri Jan 05, 2018 1:46 pm

More importantly - what happened to you ! i thought you were dead some time ago Mr Ginn - can you tell us, were you just a front for Henry Seymour ?

But to the "leading Dealer" Well, Who knows according to the Bedford Crapophone maker he's Probably down the Gay club with Gorgeous George (in a dress) & Dommo ! or maybe he just vanished up his own exhaust pipe or up someone elses !
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

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