The CLPGS Membership Survey results

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"Those boring Old Men with their Wind Up machines " AKA in the Gay World "The Wrinkle room"
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The CLPGS Membership Survey results

Post by Gmemg » Tue Dec 12, 2017 9:45 pm

This year we sent out a survey to all 322 CLPGS members worldwide and here are the results from the 3 people who could be bothered to either get out of their armchair , switch of "Father Brown"or "eggheads" and fill it in and get their Nurse to post it back (Most with a King George V stamp affixed ) :

How Old Are You ?

Stone Age - 3%

Rolling Stone age - 5%

between 78 - 85 rpm - 99%

55 (but my Mistress looks Older yet isn't a Granny ) - 1%

Who is the Present Prime Minister ?

David Cameron - 3%

That Nice Man John Major - 33%

WE Gladstone - 78%

Stalin - 1% (Neasden Vote\)

Do you vist Museums or are a Member of the Nationalised Trust ?

Yes - 87 %

No - 3%

My Wife handles that sort of things i just get dragged along - 10 %

Are you actually an Exhibit at those Museums ?

Yes - 100%

Before you retired, became Senile and joined this Society what was your Job ?

I was a Boring Over - Paid Under worked Civil Servant and now i'm an Over - pensioned T**T - 45%

I was Private Pike in a Bank - 12%

I was a Spy for "uncle" Joe Stalin at Hayes - 1%

I paid to be a Director of an Auction House until replaced by someone Cheaper - 1%

an Old "Country C****T & part Time stage Tranny - 1%

"What;'s your Favourite Beverage"

Tea - 3%

G & T - 5%

Ernest 1%

Anaeron - 1%

Cocoa 99.99%

Blue Nun - 1%

Liebfraumilch licked of My Married Mistresses T**s - 1%

Do you Like Abusing Kiddies ?

Yes 35%

No 1%

if i could rely on the Society to keep it quiet if i leave them all my stuff as they have done with Chris Hamilton Keith Harding etc Err......... - 99.999999%

Colour ?

Black - 0% (and Alan won't let any in)

white - 0%

Brown Noser now in Hong Kong - Chunnsori %

Liver Spotted & Wrinkled - 100%

Who was responsible for the Great CLPGS Hotel Robbery ?

"A Fookin inside Job " as the knew when the old farts were stuffin' Fookin' Breakfast as "Cuddly Ken suggests after a "wee Dram" - 99%

It was a random occurrance and nothing to do with the Convicted Football Hooligan & his father who vanished before the Riozzers arrived - 4%

The Directors who get a free room, Champagne, & Free rent Boy (If wanted ) - 1%

When did you start collecting ?

Dates ranged between 1897 - 1928

What do you collect ?

Tatty crap machines - 5 %

anything cheap in My Local Auction (Tamlyns) 4%

as much as i can rip off other Society members' Widows - 88%

Portables to put in my damp shed/cellar - 99%

style no 4 G & T's with Barry Williamson Horns & other People's Wives - 1%


Do you collect records or machines ?

Records conned from Other Society Members' Widows as cheap as possible - 99%

Machines Ditto - 99%

What's the MOST you've ever paid for a machine ?

most of my Collection was Free from a Friend's Widow 99%

I am ze German Wiz ze Gayen Sohnnen and i buz ze topz EMGz ach Zo over ze 50,0000 Reichs Marks Yahwol Mein EMG Guru - 1%


Were you ever abused at school by Notorious Paedo Stanley Johnson ?

Yes 1%

What sort of Vehicle do you drive ?

Girly Student poseur mobile in Beige - 1%

Reliant Robins with Shopping Bag attachments - 3%

Zimmer Frames - 92 %

Are you Jewish but pretend you are not and like Buggering your Married Mistress ?

Yes - 2%

what sort of House do you live in ?

A Gay Cottage in Suwee - 69%

A Boring Semi in the Midlands you paid 12/6 for but would want £450, 000 should you sell - 45%

a pretentious Bogus Half - Timbered hutch Yis Yis Yis - 4%

a sad 1970's Worcester Rabbithutch with your Married mIstress having bought off the former mistress - 1%

An isolated farm with no name at the gate to deter creditors from a Failed 1970's Property Business - 1%

A Gracious Preceptory near Oxford 0%

Are You Married ?

Yes 1%

Would like to marry my Gay Partner but my Wife Won't let me 89 %

My Wife;'s a Lesbian Dear Chap 1%

Have you ever sold an HMV 202 or 203 to "the Leading Dealer " For under £500 ?

Yes - 99%

No, it was £150 - 1%

Are you a Sad Dutch Postman with a fetish for Carpet Beetles ?

Yes - 1%

Are you a CLPGS Toadie who sells on Ebay under at least 5 differnet names including that of your Daughter, make up tales to cover the sale of stuff by Rockin Robber etc nicked from Roger Thorne and are called Paul ?

Yes - 1%

Do You Smoke Pot and buy it from Society Dealers having harvested it on the CLPGS Farm ?

Yes, and so does my Married Mistress - 1%

Does your Married Mistress wear "F**K me Up The Ar*se Shoes and gets herself photographed at the Malvern Saddo fair whilst you Run the TMF ?

Yes - 1%

and finally, Make a detailed list of all your machines & records, with photos and describing condition and insurance values then print out and sign the following paper :

I (get your nurse to write you name here) wish (Name of any CLPGS Director) to be my only Lawful Executor and in teh event of my Death i want (CLPGS Directors Name) to take, steal, loot and lawfully divide my collection between themselves, the other CLPGS Directors, The Dear Chap, any approved CLPGS Gramophone or Record Dealer (P**l B****R , The J***S, Mr Wiggy, the Leading Dealer, M**K B(***********D, Fookinn' K*n , The Cancer Sufferer Killer EMG Guru , "Suicidal steve TMF Admin Or his Married Mistress or their heirs & Successors under Law as they see fit with NO benefit to my Heirs

Signed :

Date :


and please send to The CLPGS , Wills Dept , SAS Auctions, Newbury , Berks (and you would have to be one to be a member of this society)
Estott : "An Ancient Half - Mad Uncle "

My U - Tube Channel is : http://www.youtube.com/user/EMGColonel

Corruption in the CLPGS :
The Seven Social Sins are:
Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character .Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle.

Money. Greed. Naivety. Falsehoods. Exploitation. Welcome to the wonderful world of gramophones!

"He has as much comedic talent as the Straight man on a Linguaphone record "
Si vis pacem, para bellum Der Morgige Tag Ist Mein

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